Parents: Are You Helping or Hurting?

Probably the most difficult part of what I do is to try and take an athlete and get them to break through the mental barriers that are preventing them from experience the success that they desire to have. In most cases what makes this task exponentially more difficult is when I have to battle the parents in order to get through to the athlete. I have to say that it’s a battle that I have never won. But yet I see this take place on almost a daily basis. A parent brings their athlete to me, desperate to get help for the athlete. They are usually at a loss and don’t understand why the athlete isn’t succeeding. Many times I will get comments like, “I have been trying to get him to understand but he just doesn’t” or “I don’t understand why he can’t just go out there and relax and have fun!” Parents look to the athlete never seeing the connection that the problem, the thing that is limiting their athlete is the parent them-self. As a third party I have the ability to stand back and observe what is going on. I can see the dynamic between the athlete and their parent and almost instantly I am able to recognize where it is that the athlete’s limiting behaviors originated. Unfortunately, rarely (if ever) is a parent willing to look inside themselves and recognize that they might be the problem. For the athlete’s entire life the parents have been instructing and molding their child to become the person they want them to become. Parents understand that they have flaws but instead of facing them themselves it is much easier to just tell your child how to be without ever changing aspects of their own life.

As such I get parents who are frustrated that their athlete won’t pick up on things that they are telling them. They just won’t learn and as a result both the athlete and the parent are unhappy and upset. A wise man once told me that, “What we dislike in others are the qualities we dislike in ourselves.” At first I didn’t understand what he was saying but if we are truly honest with ourselves we will begin to realize that this statement is entirely true. Again I see this everyday with the parents and the athletes I work with. The very qualities that the parents bring their athletes to me to fix are the same qualities that the parents themselves exhibit. It’s a battle that I can’t win, if I have the athlete for 30 minutes a week and the parents are with them the rest of the time how can I possibly win? How can that athlete ever change?

I can hear all you parents getting upset now. It’s not fun to look ourselves in the mirror but if you truly want what’s best for your athlete then it’s something you are just going to have to do. Consider for a moment that “Do as I say, Not as I do” just doesn’t work. Imagine that your athlete has been watching you everyday since the day they were born and everyday they were learning from you. Your fears, anxieties, worries, frustrations, and actions all were learned by watching you. Now that they are in their later years, now that they are getting older don’t fool yourself by thinking that they aren’t still watching. They watch your every move and you can talk to them until you’re are blue in the face but that won’t change the years of conditioning they have developed by watching. I mean think about it! How can they remove fear of failing if you are afraid they will fail? How can they put an at-bat behind them and focus on the next one if you are stuck on the previous at-bat or at-bats? How can they relax and play if every time they look up in the stands you are a nervous wreck?

Now I know that parents do what they do out of love. They love their athletes and want the best for them. They want them to experience the joys of playing at a high level and want them to be the best. All of this is fine and good but there is a line that parents must be careful not to cross. Parents cross it all the time without realizing it and it happens to be the most detrimental thing that could happen in an athlete’s career. Parents must be careful that what they want for their athletes isn’t what they want for themselves. Too many times parents allow the accomplishments of their athletes to impact their ego. They can walk around and say, “My kid plays at this college” or “My kid was drafted in this round” all the while never realizing that the kid is the one who has suffered. In the grand scheme of things what does it all mean? So what if your athlete plays at Cal State Fullerton. So what if he plays a Nowhere School University. As long as the athlete is happy and enjoys his experience playing isn’t that all that matters? Oh sure parents might not get to puff their chest out and say, “My kid is the best!” But so what! Whatever the athlete’s accomplishments, however far along the ladder they may climb in the baseball world, none of it, absolutely none of it is worth the parent’s relationship with their athlete. Unfortunately many times that is exactly what the parent trades.

Even if you are a great parent, even if you do everything perfect as a parent the one thing you don’t understand is how to develop an athlete. You may even be extremely knowledgeable in the sport of baseball but being knowledgeable and developing an athlete are two very different things. Besides your athlete doesn’t want to be developed by you. He doesn’t want to go home and hear about what he didn’t do or what he could do better. All they want is for their parents to be proud of them. 4 for 4 or 0 for 4 that’s all they want. They don’t want to breakdown their at-bats with you. They don’t want to be reminded that what they just did wasn’t good enough. They just want your love and support. They want you to be their biggest fan. Believe it or not they do look up into the stands, they see your response to at-bats, they know how you are feeling, and it matters to them. It’s hard enough to get a hit off a pitcher with the game on the line let alone without the pressure of trying to get your parents approval. Don’t add to the difficulty of getting hits by adding any type of pressure on your athlete.

So what can you do? How can you help your athlete reach the levels of performance both you and he want to reach? Look in the mirror! Work on yourself first before you ever attempt to work on your athlete. Become aware of the words you are saying, the body language you are giving, your actions at and during games, your energy on the way home. Don’t allow yourself to get lost in the heat of the moment. Understand that everything you do is going to impact your athlete and their performance either positively or negatively. Before you say something, before you act a certain way, ask yourself, “Does this help him or hurt him?” You may want to say something or act a certain way because you’re pissed off but be the adult, get control of yourself knowing that even though you may not say something verbally you may be saying it non-verbally. Trust me, your athlete will pick up on this, it will effect their performance. If you want to help, if you really want to help then start with yourself. Talk to your athlete. Ask him how you can help him get to where HE wants to go. Listen to what your athlete says, really listen. In this case they just might know more than you.